Keep Imagining

I've been getting back to a better pattern of self care and with that resuming my reading schedule. I've synthesized some stuff from my own thoughts and the heavy influence that "The Artist's Way @ Work" (W@W for short) has been on me.

I've been wrestling with the notion of presence - being present. We often talk about people who have presence - we admire that much self possession. Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one makes you feel inferior without your permission." A smart lady, with presence.

Anyway, for those of us on the journey inward to heaven, those who are trying by grace to know how we are, and to accept that despite it's truth - we are loved by God, saved and will be saved by God - being present is really important. Living in the liminal places demands it. I often suck at it.

The antithesis of being present is presenting. "Presentation" is that state that insists on controlling the information flow. It says to others "This is who I am - no really." While it means is: "Listen Bud - this is what you’re getting."

The presentation mentality offers us a lot of control and gives the appearance of having it together - of being acceptable and just as good (or even better) than the rest of our world. In church it allows us to say "I'm fine." when someone asks even when we are not. It's why we wear neckties in August or yell at our families through clenched teeth blinded by anger over something in the parking lot - then go into worship with others as if nothing is wrong whatsoever. It's the reason one of my teenagers in sunday school confided "My parents aren't as perfect as they want everyone around here to believe."

There's only one problem. Presenting doesn't work. It only promotes "fraud complex."

Fraud complex is that fear drenched state of worry over being exposed for who you really are.

"Presenting" means that I must vigilantly and constantly manipulate other's perceptions of me to protect the false self I choose to portray. It's like the actor that insists on being photographed from their "good side" trying to make sure everyone sees only what they want seen.

The presenter becomes exhausted by this process of fronting. Being with others becomes draining instead of revitalizing or comforting - you can't relax when you walk this road. It becomes preferable to keep just about everyone at arms length, or farther. Slowly it turns the presenter into an isolated shadow. Even finding pleasure in accomplishments becomes limited. Any joy they might derive from a success eventually becomes a fleeting respite from the possibility of being found out - of being exposed as a fake.

I want to live differently than that - in a community of people who are open to the possibility that we are all faking it at least some of the time, and that Jesus loves us anyway.